the other day, I reaped what I sowed from a few months ago.
I had totally forgotten about it, and now I am dealing with the consequences.
shame to disappointment to anger to sadness to emptiness to numbness and back to shame. it goes around and around. circles in my head like the woodchips I haul. I don't know what to feel, or do. one moment im thinking I should do this. then suddenly a thought pops up and denies the other. I'm not even sure if it's me anymore.
I shouldn't be going though this
but it's your fault
I'm too young to be this far deep
I wish I was a cat. their life is so simple.
though that is a bad example of what exactly is going on in my head, I can't completely grasp the thoughts, though i know they are there. I can feel them.
perhaps writing down my thoughts will help. I don't know.
when I go back to school, I probably will be met with more disappointed stares, and fewer friends. this among the other unknown things in life.
starting high school on such a bad start.
I've started imagining how I should act when I go back. should i become a brooding and lonely kid of whom no one wants to interact with? or should i keep up fake smiles? i don't know. but at least if no one wants to interact with me, i wont mess them up as i have done to myself.
I go to a Christian school should you know, and even though they say they love me.. it's hard to believe. some moments it's strong and seems unbreakable, their love for me. yet other moments it seems like they don't want anything to do with me.
same goes for my parents. the disappointment of a daughter. I've lost count of how many times I've fallen down so low.
I'm becoming the person I swore I wouldn't be. almost like a drug dealer, but... it's not drugs I'm dealing.
the resentment I feel for those people. I'm becoming like them. if that even make sense.
tell me, how do I overcome this addiction? this addiction for yaoi, swearing, and the urge for self scaring.
I'm so far down this rabbit hole, and I can't find the door out. I suppost I will just have to climb my way out. but I can't even find the foot holes.
what have I done. oh what have I done. I keep making the same mistake over and over again.
you know this verse, right?
"To day if ye will hear his voice, harden not your hearts. Hebrews 4:7"
well.. I've hardened my heart and shattered it. again. scrambling to pick up the pieces. again.
I guess you could call it a spiritual battle. me against.. someone I cannot identify. perhaps it is myself.
I am so weak to keep falling down like this. can someone please help me?
I think I picked the wrong friends. I might as well not have any.
"I don't have friends, they disappoint me."
or rather, I disappoint them and they either leave, are pulled away, or I push them away.
pitiful. so pitiful.
suicide is on my mind more often now. though I know it would only disappoint and hurt the people I love. but it would be a way to prove myself. prove what exactly? I don't know.
can I even trust myself? I don't know. that leads to the question of am I possessed or something? I haven't done anything with a 'WeeJee board'. maybe I have a mental disorder. no, there's nothing wrong with me. I refuse to accept that.
I have so many questions, and I'm so scared to tell or ask anyone. going to the Internet was the first bad mistake I've made, and I keep going to it. my parents are here, but I don't want to ask them. because I'm scared.
what a coward. I can accept that.
I don't want to drown in self pity.
but I don't want to do anything either.
I wish I was a cat.
I wish I was stronger.
I wish I isn't exist.
all this junk passes through my mind, and I deny and accept. over and over.
it's impossible for another person to have gone through what I have. it seems so unique. I suppose that's what other people are saying right now. myself among the multitude.
my point is... I guess I dont have one.
please pray for me. help me find something to live for? because as of now... the person in my head has me going in circles... and I can't find any foot holes...
that is all for now.
don't die kids, it's bad for your health.