Dickery Dickery Dare,
The pig flew up in the air.
The man in brown
Soon brought him down
Dickery Dickery Dare.
--I have absolutely no clue,
But thought this page
Needed another poem.
Rusty Claymore (post: 1410331) wrote:Haha, Tama, thats what I was trying to do! >.< The hard thing was to get a decent amount to be convincing. If is just had the first to "verses" it wouldn't have the same implications.
I found, in the deepest darkest level in in my dungeon- I mean, closet, a book I compiled of my favorite poems, some of which I writ.
In which was this entry:
I also have a page dedicated to blank verse. And yes, it's blank. >.<
Anyways, a while ago I took a poetry class, and this one was the first one I composed. I had the book right there, so I know it follows all the rules. >.<
Through the crisp winter air
Strolled the big ole' bear,
Over the hills and snow.
An uncomfortable breeze
He did feel near his knees,
The origen I only know.
In his dark frosty lair
He had sat on a snare,
Under the frostbitten knoll.
This started a tear
In the coat he did wear,
And inspired his mid winter stroll.
Yeah, not very deep. But I've always preffered clever to deep. Not that that was spectacularly clever.
LadyRushia (post: 1410749) wrote:Well, you asked for critiques, so here it goes. I'll start with the first poem.
The rhyming is very forced and I don't think it works well. I'm guessing that you want this poem to be taken seriously, but fixed rhyme and meter tend to create a sense of playfulness. This isn't always the case, but if you're going to be doing form poetry, studying the different meters and forms that are out there will help you get a sense of what feel to use for a poem.
Here is a site with some information about the most common meters used in English poetry: http://server.riverdale.k12.or.us/~bblack/meter.html
I would also suggest studying various forms of poetry because many forms tend to have certain characteristics that can push the theme of a poem in a certain direction. Sonnets, for example, almost always end with a couplet that creates juxtaposition and is pretty much like a punch in the face. For example, one of my favorite songs by Thrice called "Kings Upon the Main" is a sonnet. Let's take a look at it:
Do you see the turnaround the couplet creates? Also note how natural the rhyme and meter feel. This is what happens when rhyme doesn't happen solely for the sake of having a rhyme.
Classic/traditional couplets, like the one you see above, have a sense of finality to them. The two rhymed lines form one complete thought. Your poem is all couplets, but that form choice doesn't work for what it seems like you're trying to say. Another element that makes it very difficult to take it seriously is how the first half feels like a kindergarten rhyme with all the counting. Counting+rhyme screams educational children's TV show to me and I don't know if that's the kind of feel you meant to create, XD. I also think the way you slapped a woman into the group is tacky and it seems to me like you're saying, "See? I'm not sexist. I'll put a woman in here to prove it to you!" In fact, mentioning the people's genders in the first place seems to take away from the theme of unity that you're trying to convey, in my opinion.
I agree that the second half is better than the first. In fact, it feels like an entirely different poem from the first half. Here's a suggestion: learn about some other types of rhyme and form poetry and try reworking your ideas from this poem into those forms. You will probably come up with more interesting and better results.
I've been writing this for a long time, so I think I'll stop now. Good luck.
It's hard to explain, but the intent behind it was that all these seemingly random people, whoever they are, and even if they seem completely different, all actualy have the same intrest.
So they've resigned you to one in the
but I am the second
you can't see.
There is a third from brick red streets
with fire hydrant dreams
and ice cream memories,
here to reclaim sunshine days
of steaming asphalt and melted bliss.
Mrs. Fourth finally took off her studded earrings
and traded them in for an oil lamp voice
to light our way as we join six, seven, and eight,
triplets from the land of wheat fields and apple pies.
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