Rusty Peoms

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Rusty Peoms

Postby Rusty Claymore » Sat Jul 10, 2010 11:58 am

...Poems. Didn't notice I mispelled that till after I posted...
I write some every now and then, and figured this would be a good place to get feedback.

Here's one:

--What can one man do?

You're all alone, what can you do?
But I'm right here, and that makes two.

See this guy here, right next to me?
He's another, and that makes three.

Just what is three? Do you want more?
See that man there, well he makes four.

With only four, why do we strive?
Not only four, 'cause here comes five.

A group of five, is good for tricks.
That old man there, and now it's six.

Concerned are you, he's soon for heaven?
We'll be fine, for here comes seven!

But don't I think, It's a tad late?
Just a minute, and now we're eight.

Don't be afraid, you'll be just fine!
A woman joined, and that there's nine!

Just think what we, can all do when;
All come to meet, and we make ten!

Division will, destroy our land.
If one for one, is our last stand.

All tyrants know, their only chance;
To keep us all: A lonely stance.

For enimies, when we stand all;
both foriegn and, domestic fall.

Don't listen when, they say to you:
"What can only, just one man do?"

To be alone, is fearful, true.
But I'm right here, and that makes two.

So, any critiques?
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Postby TGJesusfreak » Sat Jul 10, 2010 11:57 pm

That was incredible Rusty.... wow I'm amazed. Just... wow I never knew you were such an awesome poet :o


Not that I'm any good at poetry XD
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Postby Warrior 4 Jesus » Sun Jul 11, 2010 12:29 am

Rusty, do you slam?
I have to admit I only thought the poem picked up from 'division will destroy our land' to the end of the poem. The rhyming stanzas? before that sound forced. They just doesn't seem to flow naturally. Good work with the last third though. It was great!
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Postby Rusty Claymore » Sun Jul 11, 2010 12:49 am

Slam?... I dunno, what's that mean?
The first line is what inspired the whole thing, and yes, the 2-10 verses were forced. I tried to stick with the mathemtical rules rather than what was in my head, and I also tried to keep it consistent throughout. I think that was an error.
Glad you liked it though! It actually started as a T-shirt idea.
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Postby XIV_whisper » Thu Jul 15, 2010 1:56 pm

i'm with Warrior4Jesus, rhyming stanzas aren't always the best. poetry is never supposed to be forced, it has to flow and feel natural so the reader can enjoy it. it was interesting though and i kept reading, which isn't natural for me. so bring out another so i can read it, just don't force it R.C
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Postby Tamachan319 » Sun Jul 18, 2010 1:13 pm

Rusty, that was pretty amazing. It reminded me of Dr. Seuss in the style of rhyming. As others before me have said, the rhyme-scene picks up around halfway through the poem. My recommendation is that you make sure there is an equal number of syllables on each equivalent line of the poem. (I hope that makes sense; you can disregard that suggestion if you wish!)
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Postby Rusty Claymore » Sun Jul 18, 2010 10:05 pm

Haha, Tama, thats what I was trying to do! >.< The hard thing was to get a decent amount to be convincing. If is just had the first to "verses" it wouldn't have the same implications.

I found, in the deepest darkest level in in my dungeon- I mean, closet, a book I compiled of my favorite poems, some of which I writ.
In which was this entry:
Dickery Dickery Dare,
The pig flew up in the air.
The man in brown
Soon brought him down
Dickery Dickery Dare.
--I have absolutely no clue,
But thought this page
Needed another poem.

I also have a page dedicated to blank verse. And yes, it's blank. >.<
Anyways, a while ago I took a poetry class, and this one was the first one I composed. I had the book right there, so I know it follows all the rules. >.<

Through the crisp winter air
Strolled the big ole' bear,
Over the hills and snow.

An uncomfortable breeze
He did feel near his knees,
The origen I only know.

In his dark frosty lair
He had sat on a snare,
Under the frostbitten knoll.

This started a tear
In the coat he did wear,
And inspired his mid winter stroll.

Yeah, not very deep. But I've always preffered clever to deep. Not that that was spectacularly clever.
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Postby Tamachan319 » Mon Jul 19, 2010 8:23 am

Rusty Claymore (post: 1410331) wrote:Haha, Tama, thats what I was trying to do! >.< The hard thing was to get a decent amount to be convincing. If is just had the first to "verses" it wouldn't have the same implications.

I found, in the deepest darkest level in in my dungeon- I mean, closet, a book I compiled of my favorite poems, some of which I writ.
In which was this entry:
I also have a page dedicated to blank verse. And yes, it's blank. >.<
Anyways, a while ago I took a poetry class, and this one was the first one I composed. I had the book right there, so I know it follows all the rules. >.<

Through the crisp winter air
Strolled the big ole' bear,
Over the hills and snow.

An uncomfortable breeze
He did feel near his knees,
The origen I only know.

In his dark frosty lair
He had sat on a snare,
Under the frostbitten knoll.

This started a tear
In the coat he did wear,
And inspired his mid winter stroll.

Yeah, not very deep. But I've always preffered clever to deep. Not that that was spectacularly clever.


Oh. Sorry! Disregard that comment. I can't remember how to say what I mean. Sorry!!
Here's a spelling mistake I found: origen should be origin. Also the way I
The poem above is actually quite good. I really liked it! I admire you for doing poems in the rhyming style. I hate rhyming (not reading them, just writing) for the most part. So, anyway, that was great!
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Postby Rusty Claymore » Tue Jul 20, 2010 11:31 am

>.< I figured you had meant something else, don't worry I have a hard time saying what I mean too! n.n
Ah yes, origin. I must have messed that one up as I re-wrote it onto here >.<
Also the way you...? I think somehow your messege was interupted, and I want to know what you were saying! n.n
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it! Don't admire me too much though, rhyming just pops into my head, a lot like what happens with crazy people. n.n
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Postby LadyRushia » Tue Jul 20, 2010 2:15 pm

Well, you asked for critiques, so here it goes. I'll start with the first poem.

The rhyming is very forced and I don't think it works well. I'm guessing that you want this poem to be taken seriously, but fixed rhyme and meter tend to create a sense of playfulness. This isn't always the case, but if you're going to be doing form poetry, studying the different meters and forms that are out there will help you get a sense of what feel to use for a poem.

Here is a site with some information about the most common meters used in English poetry: http://server.riverdale.k12.or.us/~bblack/meter.html
I would also suggest studying various forms of poetry because many forms tend to have certain characteristics that can push the theme of a poem in a certain direction. Sonnets, for example, almost always end with a couplet that creates juxtaposition and is pretty much like a punch in the face. For example, one of my favorite songs by Thrice called "Kings Upon the Main" is a sonnet. Let's take a look at it:

[quote="Thrice"]This lesson you'd do well not to forget.
Your life could be the one its wisdom saves,
At sea when you're beleaguered and beset,
On every side by strife of wind and waves.

Despite the best of maps and bravest men,
For all their mighty names and massive forms,
There'll never be and there has never been
A ship or fleet secure against the storms.

When kings upon the main have clung to pride,
And held themselves as masters of the sea,
I've held them down beneath the crushing tide
'Till they have learned that no one masters me.

But grace can still be found within the gale]

Do you see the turnaround the couplet creates? Also note how natural the rhyme and meter feel. This is what happens when rhyme doesn't happen solely for the sake of having a rhyme.

Classic/traditional couplets, like the one you see above, have a sense of finality to them. The two rhymed lines form one complete thought. Your poem is all couplets, but that form choice doesn't work for what it seems like you're trying to say. Another element that makes it very difficult to take it seriously is how the first half feels like a kindergarten rhyme with all the counting. Counting+rhyme screams educational children's TV show to me and I don't know if that's the kind of feel you meant to create, XD. I also think the way you slapped a woman into the group is tacky and it seems to me like you're saying, "See? I'm not sexist. I'll put a woman in here to prove it to you!" In fact, mentioning the people's genders in the first place seems to take away from the theme of unity that you're trying to convey, in my opinion.

I agree that the second half is better than the first. In fact, it feels like an entirely different poem from the first half. Here's a suggestion: learn about some other types of rhyme and form poetry and try reworking your ideas from this poem into those forms. You will probably come up with more interesting and better results.

I've been writing this for a long time, so I think I'll stop now. Good luck.
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Postby Rusty Claymore » Tue Jul 20, 2010 6:27 pm

LadyRushia (post: 1410749) wrote:Well, you asked for critiques, so here it goes. I'll start with the first poem.

The rhyming is very forced and I don't think it works well. I'm guessing that you want this poem to be taken seriously, but fixed rhyme and meter tend to create a sense of playfulness. This isn't always the case, but if you're going to be doing form poetry, studying the different meters and forms that are out there will help you get a sense of what feel to use for a poem.

Here is a site with some information about the most common meters used in English poetry: http://server.riverdale.k12.or.us/~bblack/meter.html
I would also suggest studying various forms of poetry because many forms tend to have certain characteristics that can push the theme of a poem in a certain direction. Sonnets, for example, almost always end with a couplet that creates juxtaposition and is pretty much like a punch in the face. For example, one of my favorite songs by Thrice called "Kings Upon the Main" is a sonnet. Let's take a look at it:



Do you see the turnaround the couplet creates? Also note how natural the rhyme and meter feel. This is what happens when rhyme doesn't happen solely for the sake of having a rhyme.

Classic/traditional couplets, like the one you see above, have a sense of finality to them. The two rhymed lines form one complete thought. Your poem is all couplets, but that form choice doesn't work for what it seems like you're trying to say. Another element that makes it very difficult to take it seriously is how the first half feels like a kindergarten rhyme with all the counting. Counting+rhyme screams educational children's TV show to me and I don't know if that's the kind of feel you meant to create, XD. I also think the way you slapped a woman into the group is tacky and it seems to me like you're saying, "See? I'm not sexist. I'll put a woman in here to prove it to you!" In fact, mentioning the people's genders in the first place seems to take away from the theme of unity that you're trying to convey, in my opinion.

I agree that the second half is better than the first. In fact, it feels like an entirely different poem from the first half. Here's a suggestion: learn about some other types of rhyme and form poetry and try reworking your ideas from this poem into those forms. You will probably come up with more interesting and better results.

I've been writing this for a long time, so I think I'll stop now. Good luck.


Thanks for all the info! n.n I'll keep this in mind for when I write more stuff.
Interesting take on the chick being in there, I did it so it wouldn't seem like "that guy" and "this guy" might actually or essential be the "Same guy". It's hard to explain, but the intent behind it was that all these seemingly random people, whoever they are, and even if they seem completely different, all actualy have the same intrest. But as you can see I was having problems fitting it into four words per section...

Thanks for taking the time, and I'll look into these! n.n
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Postby LadyRushia » Tue Jul 20, 2010 8:11 pm

It's hard to explain, but the intent behind it was that all these seemingly random people, whoever they are, and even if they seem completely different, all actualy have the same intrest.

In that case, something you might try is to identify each person by describing something about their walk of life--something like this, if I may.

So they've resigned you to one in the
dark,
but I am the second
you can't see.

There is a third from brick red streets
with fire hydrant dreams
and ice cream memories,
here to reclaim sunshine days
of steaming asphalt and melted bliss.

Mrs. Fourth finally took off her studded earrings
and traded them in for an oil lamp voice
to light our way as we join six, seven, and eight,
triplets from the land of wheat fields and apple pies.


Etc., etc., so on and so forth. You can give these random people you're listing personalities instead of making them just numbers.
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Postby Phantom_Sorano » Thu Jul 22, 2010 11:36 am

First off, I applaude you for your work and your talent, Mr. Rusty. Brava! The critiques I have are few and primarily concern grammar and punctuation. ( It's the teacher in me. Haha.)

You have a few misspelled words, all which you are probably well aware. There are a few verb tenses that might need some correction for an easier flow. Towards the end of the poem is where I direct this attention. My biggest suggestion it the punctuation. Lose some of the commas; many are not needed and makes the poem choppy.

Again, lovely work. Please post more in the future.^_^
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