CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

Sorry it took me awhile Zarn, but I finally read your most recent poems. I can't really think of any constructive criticism currently but I can tell you that I enjoyed them especially "Night Thoughts."

"Night Thoughs" : very cool! I have to say my favourite part was the verse/stanza about the dust. It's so lovely (the whole poem) how it treads into different areas but at the same time keeps the same feel. ^_^ Well done.

"Days in the Desert" : like Night Thoughts it treads into different areas, shifting focus with the beginning of new stanzas. I like it! Again, you've done well in keeping the same theme throughout the poem in the midst of the changes of scene.
I REALLY love the part about the underground water... and then the boldness highlighting vibrant colour in my mind of 'blue water' and 'red wound' in the next part.

"The Worshipful Essa's"

I like the imagery of this; the thoughts it evokes with the sort of musical chanting going on. A few spelling mistakes... purposeful or just overlooked errors?
'A stone flew from my hand...'
'A butterfly slipped from my grip...'
Those two two-lined sentences were great; imagery, timing and ideas. ^_^
Hm... but for me it felt like the poem sort of ended or came to a stop at '...or will I change?'
What followed definitely fits with the poem and is beautiful, but I can't escape the 'stopped' feeling that the line I pointed out brings. Hm... maybe too maybe spaces between that and what follows?

All the same, it's brilliant poetry. ^_^

"Essa in Exile, In Three Parts" : beautiful. More one single thought than the poems before it. Again some spelling mistakes... but bah. XD
Just another note: while (the description of the place) is helpful to the reader and gives understand, I don't think it's quite needed in the poem. Maybe italicizing the description or something similar would convey a little the fact it's a description of the surroundings?

Beautiful how the desert scenery frames your thoughts and how you describe the different surroundings. 'Sickle trees'... I like that.

God bless and thank you for more poetry. ^_^

"She's There"
Subtitled: *Dying in a Southern Desert*




I drank black water from the dying creek bed.

I choked on it

felt like


red fingers around my throat.

went down


the ground came up to meet me





what a strange first kiss




you pulled the water from my lungs



and the poison from my lips



pushed death out with your fingertips


fish


I looked like a fish gasping for air


then you were not there






you're my angel in the black

In sin I was conceived
till the hour I first believed

Hey there Zarn! Sorry: long time, no loggin on CAA ~_~". So sorry for my absence.
Anyway! \^_^

"She's There"
Subtitled: *Dying in a Southern Desert*




I drank black water from the dying creek bed.

I choked on it

felt like


red fingers around my throat.

went down


the ground came up to meet me





what a strange first kiss




you pulled the water from my lungs



and the poison from my lips



pushed death out with your fingertips


fish


I looked like a fish gasping for air


then you were not there






you're my angel in the black

Wow! Man, such description! I like the theme and story elements, like drinking from a stream of bad/poisoned water and falling unconscious... and the descriptions when it comes to the kiss and fingers pushing out the poison... it really makes images spring to mind the way that you've written it! It's really good.
And then the word 'fish'; it's placement and how it fits in works so well. Has that half-rhyme with 'fingertips' which makes it flow with what comes before, but it's meaning is such a change of topic... but it takes you a while to remember that. It's like waking up, just as he wakes up. Really cool! ^_^.

In sin I was conceived
till the hour I first believed

Short but sweet, as they say. Very poignant and sums/retells in a succinct but very good (can't find the right word, so 'very good' will have to do >.<) way what is so important... salvation through faith ('...not by works, but by faith: which is the gift of God...' or similar, in the NT ^^).

Btw, I have brain fog at the mo so if my thoughts/writings are a bit incohesive, please forgive me. ^_^""

from the desk on the bed

to the hole in my head




if it all drained out

plugged up preservation, por favore prestidigitation '

if it could all flow...


exorcism is exercise

rinse out and rise up


Done

Come out tonight and see me

No words, the blindfolds are already on

but with masks off


so when we take you, you'll know

you just won't know.

[SIZE="2"]let me intimate success and intimidation[/SIZE]

Claim me and name me but I rode through the desert and I lost it there

there was a lack of care at the dead man's funeral

put a rag on

get my regs on

walk around town with eyes down and knives up

she wants to bounce through my mind? That's fine

I'll go deeper into the cup and it'll be like never mind

I never mind when you take me out and let me off

get me off of the bus and take me to the theater

skeeered, Ah've nevah been so skeered


except when I imagine you

because imagination makes so many promises

like a canidate

there's a can of dates on the floor in the outback


Controlling life

I want a controlling wife; let's fight

and when the salt of our eyes becomes the dew on the grass


let it all pass away




let it all roll off, from the tips of your hips to the crick in your chain


and the song shall stay the same

it shall remain







but on Mute.

the person who wears mask after mask feels faceless to herself


undressed and depressed, the depression curls up and sits


resting on her shoulders


she cried until I knowed her











Every poet's a Pygmalion


trying to carve a wife from verses sung to Aphrodite's.













I am what?


the pillar, wooing the flower pot

asking for a kiss

Again, I don't really have any comments for you Zarn except that I've enjoyed your last two pieces, especially the most recent one. I blame writing part 3 of the third tourney...

Thanks.



I'm writing more, of course, but I won't put it up for awhile. I want to expand on that last little piece regarding the flower pot, but I'm not sure how....

"Smoke Roads"




Our paths linger together


trails of smoke, crossing in the air


fall slowly to the earth


amidst the croaking of the frogs


and the creaking of the trees



As the soft breeze blows,


the smoke lingers like a lover



and then disintegrates.

Wow its...not been as long as I thought it was...hooray for being busy.

Anyway, the imagery you used in this recent work was good. You did a good job of painting the picture of the scene while still leaving the reader plenty of room to fill in the blanks. Your choice of smoke as a symbol (I'm guessing of a former love or relationship) worked very well. All in all, this was an enjoyable piece to read. Not your greatest but certainly not your worst.

Wait...did I just give you constructive criticism AND a brief interpretation one of your poems...the world must be ending...

09-29-2006, 01:10 AM.


That is when the Storm started for me.


That day, I finally decided to group all of my poetry together under one roof, a thread I wanted to name "hurricane of the spirit" or something of the sort. The word Cacophony popped up, and while it has more to do with "Noise" than weather patterns, it held the original meaning of what I wanted to express quite well.


Since then, I have been blessed with excellent readers and critiques, good friends, and the continued inspiration to write. I have shared this poetry with you from a multitude of locations throughout my life; Beginning in Maryland, where I spent a year living on an airforce base, or when I went home to North Carolina to decide what I wanted to be. I decided to become a Marine, and for about six months I was more or less gone....lots of things from that time are blurred, and perhaps the poetry reflects.


Regardless, The Noise of the Soul has gone on long enough. As I contemplate my deployment tommorow to Afghanistan, I do so with the pleasure of having shared these few scattered writings with you. I thank you all, from the bottom of my heart. When I return, there will be more; there always is. But for the moment, and perhaps forever, I close the doors to this established little room of poetry, lost and lonely on the internet, and push forward on the path.


In Christ,

Zachariah.

Good luck in Afghanistan Zarn. You'll have my prayers as I await your return.

Peanut

It's always a pleasure to read your poems, even if I didn't always comment on them. ^_^;
I wish you luck as well and pray for your safe return, Zarn. ^___^

So maybe quitting just isn't what I'm good at.


I'll come up with another thread, I guess...but for now...here you go:




"Vampire Nights"
(Drinking the Drought that Never Runs Dry)


I raise my cup and I drink you dry
The wine is gone, but still I try
Vampires have drunk less than I
I can't stop drinking you, baby...


Your in my thoughts, your in my head
your shadow falls across this empty bed
though your far away, your still right here
I can't stop thinking you, baby...


I went away, to a far away land
It's hard for you, I understand
From a distance, I can't be your man
But I keep on loving you baby....


The sand is cool, in the dark of night
where the bombs and bullets fly so bright
in my dreams, you hold me tight
keep on holding me baby...


Life is mad, the world's a dream
I plot and search, I write and scheme
I'll find your face in the moonbeams
Don't lost hold of me baby.


I can't stop loving you baby....

Channeling your inner Twilight vampiric self Zarn?

Joking aside, very good poem. Though, I find the use of the word "baby" to be a little cheesy at times. Your use of end rhyme didn't make me want to pull my hair out (a very good thing I might add) and it seemed to flow nicely throughout the entire piece. Glad to see you haven't given up on updating this thread.

I am sad.

I can dream of amber hills and summer winds;
I can play kiss-the-girls with the phantasms of imagination
and make myself a king of Dreams.


But if I have not love
I don't have anything!

[quote="Zarn Ishtare (post: 1381748)"]I am sad.

I can dream of amber hills and summer winds]

Beautiful! I can tell this was inspired by 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter, am I right? 'Cause that was my first thought with the final lines. I love it! ^-^

Nice short poem, though the first line doesn't really fit. In fact, for a moment I thought you were literally saying you were sad and then the poem started after that...but I quickly realized that was wrong. Actually I don't even think you need the first line of "I am sad," the poem stands well on its own with just the five lines that follow.

I was saying "I Am Sad", but it's part of the poem as well. Just some emotion poetry from yours truly.



Anyway:



"Day Break"


The day has broken

How can I fix it?

with a positive attitude?

I don't really know

it's just goes on.

On, I am Sad,

King Oneir finds this poem rather nice, but is somewhat disturbed by the last line of the first stanza.

The day has broken
upon the shores
of yet another day.

And Grandma Moon
casts her wrinkled gaze
from mountains far away.

But here beneath the weeping willow
my night continues anyway

my starstruck tears
saved through the years
stain the grass scattered by golden ray

and truth be known
I prefer this cup
my poison of the day

Zarn (and what I'm about to say is sort of unrelated to poetry) one of these days, get over to Israel and visit En Gedi. Just make it happen, you'll thank me for the suggestion later.

Anyway, on "Day Break..."really the only comment I have is that I sense a common theme here...other then that I've got nothing to say.

Thanks.


"Sh"


Sh...Sh...She.
How can I love, if I can't speak her name?
She has a portion of the blame,
but I cannot claim
innocence.

We both know what we are;
broken, used, abused by time and space.
Then why do I think she might be my saving grace?
Or I hers, I shouldn't wonder. I blunder about,
trying to convince turtles to walk on eggshells,
the sun to shine Darkly,
and a woman to call my name.

Yet in the end who can take the blame?


"Statement On The Place, The Person, The Face"

The room is plywood, three quarter inch I think.
The walls have swelled from rain, and there seems to be a stink
on the other side of my monitor.
The man is tired, as he has a right to be
(What he's had to do, what he's had to see!)
and dirty from work that repeats itself.

And the face, oh, the face!
Surely in need of immortal grace.
Why so near to shut, oh eyes? Why so weary, eyes that see?
Here now, is the difference between me and me, (that is, the present and future me)
I will read this, and laugh, but now I could weep
between not eating and denying sleep
wandering the present, wondering
shall the future ever really take place?
Am I old before 21?
Do I really have a bald spot on the back of my head?
Oh, weary, tired face
so in need of mortal (love) and eternal grace.

The first stanza of "Sh" doesn't really fit stylistically with the second, and I think it hurts the piece a little. You could separate the second stanza into two stanzas and mess around with the lining a bit to fix the problem.

My only comment with "Statement On the Place, the Person, the Face" is that the explanation of the line "me and me" is not needed in the least bit. It ruins the flow of the piece and I think with a little effort, your readers can figure out what you mean by "me and me."

"Telling Her The Truth"

Love,


I won't pretend that I

know how long this lasts.

I can't promise you happiness

I don't know if I'll pass the test

but if you're willing to try

well, so am I!



------------------------------------


It's so overdone

this moment of hesitation

will we go through with this, or won't we?

I'm not willing to live a lie

I can't say "I don't regret losing her"

because I would.


It's not young love

it's not untouchable or pure

we've both done wrong

but I think that

it's stronger for it.



Wherever we go, love

if this doesn't last

i don't want to say

"I never held her"

"I never kissed her"

"I missed her"

And I do

I do miss you

old you, new you

living and loving you.

Do you miss me

not just the image

but the person, me?


I love you, I miss you...

I'll Kiss you.

We'll figure the rest out


together.

"Lost"



you don't know how lost I am

I can't even find my own hands

or the will to move them anywhere


so confused

with no excuse

I don't understand

where I am!

Yes, yes, I know you wrote some poetry Zarn...I just haven't responded because I've literally not been able to think of anything to say. Well, I'll give it a try.

"Telling her the Truth" is an interesting piece. I like how the piece is split as a sign of hesitation. It works well, however some of your lines come across as a little cheesy to me...of course that's probably just me being...well, me.

Lost is fine until the last stanza...it just feels too choppy to me. I think the piece would flow better if you had it as one stanza, with a period at the end of "or the will to move them anywhere" and then have your last two lines be "so confused with no excuse" and "I don't understand where I am!"

And on a slightly unrelated note, have you ever considered getting a deviant art Zarn? I'm not suggesting that you stop posting poetry on CAA, but you may be able to get more comments and responses if you posted on deviant art as well as CAA.

True, but how could I abandon my many CAA fans like that? Even posting here, I'd lose some of my many, many fans, and that would break my heart.

Zarn Ishtare (post: 1391724) wrote:True, but how could I abandon my many CAA fans like that? Even posting here, I'd lose some of my many, many fans, and that would break my heart.

I was actually suggesting that you do both, post there and on CAA...yeah, that wasn't really clear in my post...sorry about that.

Heads up, a huge set of poetry coming down the pipe in a few days.