CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

LupoRedgrave wrote:Praying for you Okami!

Thanks much, Lupo! I appreciate it, a lot.

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After much rage and frustration, I wrote out a note explaining my hesitance over signing the contract that I plan on giving to the therapist when we next meet. And after a lot of discussion with my friends, I finally signed it. So I guess I'm being held accountable for this now. I'm numb and empty with the thought. Horrified. I don't know... *sigh*

Now I get to try and trust God with these next details, I guess.

Praying for you, my friend!

Sorry I didn't get to this sooner. But as always, I'm still praying for you, Okami. Every day. Sounds like you're having a really rough time, and I probably can't say anything that'll help much, but know I'm here rooting for you, and I'm convinced that no matter how dark or hard it seems, the Lord has an awesome plan for you that will involve you coming out the other side better than ever. He's got this figured out, even if we don't.
Love you.

Hey guys, thank you for the prayers. And the hugs.

This week has been downright....insane. As in, I was experiencing mania like I've never before....I've had what I believe are (hypo)manic/mixed episodes and I've struggled with a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder in the past, but no one has quite validated these on a professional level, and I've been stuck with a Major Depressive Disorder diagnosis all these years, so I brought it up with my therapist tonight. By the end of the session I asked her opinion on it and she said she would think over it, because there's a lot going on in relation to how it would also play out with my Borderline Personality Disorder.

She reworked my thoughts on the no-harm contract; not so much promising "never to harm myself ever again!~" so much as working through suicidal thoughts/tendencies/actions before I get to "that" crisis point. It makes a lot more sense now...and I think I'm okay with it...not that I can automatically turn to my self-injurious ways, but to delay them, and to talk things through, and write things through, and then if it comes, it comes...and I get to work from there...

On top of that, I spoke about things from the last week / six months / childhood/teenage years I would have NEVER thought I'd be sharing so soon; but if not now, when? I need to work through this stuff now if it's to get better. It's hard to talk about the impulses as they're in their prime. And it's hard to share how deeply I am hurting...but it is a step towards allowing this awful wound to heal.

And I have homework. I still really like counseling homework. I miss having "actual" homework to do, so this is good for me.

I have been so self-destructive lately. Please pray for quick recovery of wounds; bruises, cuts, pain, etc. as I work through some DBT-fashioned Distress Tolerance!

Praying, dear friend.

You are loved. We are all works in progress.<3

Hey everyone....So the night after my last post, I was taken to the ER and then later transferred to the psychiatric unit where I spent ten days trying to gain control of my impulsivity. Work is slow and urges are still quite active, but I was discharged yesterday....doing the "heavy-lifting" in order to keep myself safe at the moment.

Praying, Okami.

Praying, my friend.

Thank you for the prayers, my friends.

Though this whole process is slow, I'm starting to feel a little more regulated by the medication (more than anything the meds are set in place to help balance out the "anxious energy" that leads to my impulsivity and self-destructive behavior)...at the hospital they re-evaluated my diagnoses and determined my mental health issues are primarily behavioral over chemical, so that to me is a plus; though from my point of view, also a little more difficult since it can't just be 'medicated away'...

I'm still having some 'off' moments, as described in my recent blog post, but as an overall I am learning. Impulses to self-injure have lessened and I am acting out less in between such moments. Tonight I joined in with my therapist's Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Skills Group and it was nice to know I was in a place where though I knew no one else, somewhere our stories are similar, and we get to work through these struggles together.

Continued prayers over my healing and learning would be appreciated. (And that I find a psychiatrist soon!)

Praying, my friend!

Always praying.

I'm glad you joined the support group. It's definitely a weight off your shoulders when you realize you're not the only one going through a particular struggle or challenge.

I understand a bit how you feel about the medication, in light of finding out your struggles are primarily based in behavior rather than chemical imbalances. I will say that if you feel you need to keep taking the meds to help balance out your day, there's no shame in that. Some people do feel they should learn to eke it out without their medications (and I've known a few who strive to do that), but if you're not one of them, that's all right. Just do your best. *Hugs*

Praying.

Okami wrote:Thank you for the prayers, my friends.
...at the hospital they re-evaluated my diagnoses and determined my mental health issues are primarily behavioral over chemical, so that to me is a plus; though from my point of view, also a little more difficult since it can't just be 'medicated away'...

Well, at least you've isolated the problem; even if it is from the source that's more work for you to fix. Progress is still progress, even if it means you have to do the rest of it the hard way.

I'm very happy to see that you're now part of a DBT process group. Groups can be so valuable because as you said, you're not alone. There's certainly a strength in numbers in everything. And I'm also glad that you seem to be benefitting from DBT. Like even being aware of your own deepest cognitive processes (and bringing things from the subconscious to the conscious) really can be a liberating experience. Go you!

Not sure if this will *all* be very helpful for you, but have to looked into the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or the Enneagram? They're certainly not the most research-backed forms of psychometric evaluation, but they nonetheless have a huge following (I absolutely love them). The reason I ask is because both the MBTI and the Enneagram can help someone really better understand themselves in more concrete or tangible ways. The MBTi's focus is primarily on a person's cognitive processes/information processing whereas the Enneagram focuses more on one's strengths, insecurities, drives, motivations, and fears. It outlines both your strengths and the darker aspects of yourself. But the key in all of this is self-awareness which I think is congruent with the goals of therapeutic frameworks like CBT and DBT. Recognizing my own MBTI and Enneagram type has helped me a LOT with why I do some of the things I do. For an example, an enneagram 2 might not realize that they get their sense of security out of feeling like they are needed or depended upon by other people, but once that is recognized by an enneagram 2, then he or she may begin to have a clearer picture of the transition from core beliefs >> immediate beliefs >> automatic thoughts >> behaviors. Might give a clearer picture as to why he or she seeks maladaptive codependent relationships. And of course the wonderful part of DBT is when you recognize what all those are in a mindful and nonjudgmental attitude. Feel the feels, as I like to say.

Have you by any chance also looked into neurofeedback therapy? Not sure if that's particularly a thing for BPD, but just thought I throw it out there. Maybe Shooby would know more?

Praying.

Hey everyone, I'll give a thorough response when I can. I just wanted to stop by and give an update.

I've been dealing with significant distress, crisis, and psychological trauma which had me in a huge relapse of cutting, self-injury, mania, and suicidal ideation; I had a plan set... ...I spent the last two and a half weeks in psychiatric inpatient care, transitioning to their partial hospitalization program yesterday.

It's all very difficult as the injuries I created prior to admission don't really have a clear view of...intent. Sigh. Three hospitalizations in a year... I am beyond grateful for the care given to me, especially because I wasn't ready for discharge last time...to land myself at another facility three weeks later is proof to me that I was correct, and it was through proof of their care here that the other place had minimized and not been validating of my struggle...while this place agreed with the behavioral side of things being primary over chemical, they treated both just as equally important.

They were appalled the previous inpatient's doctor kept me on an antidepressant even though it had induced a manic episode, as is common in Bipolar Disorder. These people were dedicated to my recovery, taught me so much about my diagnoses from a personal education standpoint, to offset what I know from college, and showed me how my functioning was what they would expect of someone in my shoes from a professional point of view.

For the first time I feel comfortable with my diagnoses because they match what I know and understand of my experience. Plus there's the relief in validity of Borderline Personality Disorder to tell me: this is serious, you DO need help...
Especially given the last hospitalization took away the diagnosis because I "over-identify" with it...well no ****, what do you expect of someone with identity disturbance? Though I did come to terms this time around that things I struggle with, like my lack of sense of identity, inability to put words on emotions, instability, and self-harm are not so much ME as they are my illness...

It was all very helpful and beneficial in terms of helping me accept and understand what was going on. And now at the partial program I'm actually getting to work with my same psychiatrist and (hopefully) the same chaplain! So it's nice to have some consistency in the transition... Because eighteen days of telling and retelling the story has boiled down to, "I had a flashback and cut my wrist." When there are a LOT of details missing from the story in that sentence...

Taking it slow, one moment at a time, utilizing the lovely DBT coping skills I've been taught, re-taught, and am continuing to be taught, and am slowly regaining a glimpse of hope. As always, I appreciate your prayers...and I will get back on full individual responses as I can. Thanks for your patience as I struggle with these illnesses...

Ouch.

Glad to hear that you're still holding on.

So sorry to hear, Okami. I was wondering where you were, we missed you. *hugs*
I'm always praying for you, Okami. Thanks for the update.
Don't forget God in all this. While it would obviously be foolish to write off illnesses and disorders just because you're a Christian, you do have to remember that God is stronger than all of it. Keep being the awesome person that you are and leaning on Him, and God will come through. I have faith.
I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. I'm praying for you, and I love you, wonderful friend.

You poor girl, I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm not so good at offering comfort, or well, anything really, but keep holding on. Come back to chat soon, and get well.

Still praying for you, dear friend. You are loved. <3

*buckles down for a long post*

Sheenar wrote:Praying, my friend!

ClaecElric4God wrote:Always praying.

Thanks guys!

K. Ayato wrote:I'm glad you joined the support group. It's definitely a weight off your shoulders when you realize you're not the only one going through a particular struggle or challenge.

I understand a bit how you feel about the medication, in light of finding out your struggles are primarily based in behavior rather than chemical imbalances. I will say that if you feel you need to keep taking the meds to help balance out your day, there's no shame in that. Some people do feel they should learn to eke it out without their medications (and I've known a few who strive to do that), but if you're not one of them, that's all right. Just do your best. *Hugs*

*hugs*

Well, it was short-lived - only went to the one group session and during my time inpatient learned my insurance won't cover that therapist, so instead of delaying the inevitable I took a leap to the unknown and now have a new therapist who also works in DBT.

Oh, most definitely! - now that I am on the correct combination of meds I'm starting to see a shift, knowing EXACTLY what my treatment team was targeting (my impulsivity, as that overlaps both disorders)...don't know if I'll have to be on the meds forever, but if they can get me out of this crap, or at least help the process, so be it.

MomentOfInertia wrote:Praying.

Okami wrote:Thank you for the prayers, my friends.
...at the hospital they re-evaluated my diagnoses and determined my mental health issues are primarily behavioral over chemical, so that to me is a plus; though from my point of view, also a little more difficult since it can't just be 'medicated away'...

Well, at least you've isolated the problem; even if it is from the source that's more work for you to fix. Progress is still progress, even if it means you have to do the rest of it the hard way.

Thank you. It's hard work, that's for darn sure.

Mr. SmartyPants wrote:I'm very happy to see that you're now part of a DBT process group. Groups can be so valuable because as you said, you're not alone. There's certainly a strength in numbers in everything. And I'm also glad that you seem to be benefitting from DBT. Like even being aware of your own deepest cognitive processes (and bringing things from the subconscious to the conscious) really can be a liberating experience. Go you!

Not sure if this will *all* be very helpful for you, but have to looked into the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or the Enneagram? They're certainly not the most research-backed forms of psychometric evaluation, but they nonetheless have a huge following (I absolutely love them). The reason I ask is because both the MBTI and the Enneagram can help someone really better understand themselves in more concrete or tangible ways. The MBTi's focus is primarily on a person's cognitive processes/information processing whereas the Enneagram focuses more on one's strengths, insecurities, drives, motivations, and fears. It outlines both your strengths and the darker aspects of yourself. But the key in all of this is self-awareness which I think is congruent with the goals of therapeutic frameworks like CBT and DBT. Recognizing my own MBTI and Enneagram type has helped me a LOT with why I do some of the things I do. For an example, an enneagram 2 might not realize that they get their sense of security out of feeling like they are needed or depended upon by other people, but once that is recognized by an enneagram 2, then he or she may begin to have a clearer picture of the transition from core beliefs >> immediate beliefs >> automatic thoughts >> behaviors. Might give a clearer picture as to why he or she seeks maladaptive codependent relationships. And of course the wonderful part of DBT is when you recognize what all those are in a mindful and nonjudgmental attitude. Feel the feels, as I like to say.

Have you by any chance also looked into neurofeedback therapy? Not sure if that's particularly a thing for BPD, but just thought I throw it out there. Maybe Shooby would know more?

Yeah. As I said to K, the group was short-lived for me; however this last hospitalization had many, many groups and activities specializing in DBT skills, so it was basically two and a half weeks (and now this additional outpatient week) of intensive DBT work in a group setting. Yeah, I know both my MTBI and Enneagram scores (INFJ and 4) but even in the knowing I struggle...It's like I know, but I can't seem to make it connect personally.

I have, actually. Haven't gone through with anything yet, but it's been considered.

anlptgtsg wrote:Praying.

Thank you!

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And now to everything since being hospitalized
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MomentOfInertia wrote:Ouch.

Glad to hear that you're still holding on.

Thank you, MOI! Doing what I can...

ClaecElric4God wrote:So sorry to hear, Okami. I was wondering where you were, we missed you. *hugs*
I'm always praying for you, Okami. Thanks for the update.
Don't forget God in all this. While it would obviously be foolish to write off illnesses and disorders just because you're a Christian, you do have to remember that God is stronger than all of it. Keep being the awesome person that you are and leaning on Him, and God will come through. I have faith.
I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. I'm praying for you, and I love you, wonderful friend.

*hugs* Thank you, Cece!

Absolutely. What I failed to mention in my last post was this hospitalization was at a Christian mental hospital - so not only was their specialty mental health, but faith was part of the treatment plan if we chose for it to be...which I did. I loved the fact that spiritual growth was an every-other day class, rather than one sort of cast off to the side and all but forgotten once a week. The chaplain I've worked with has consistently reminded me to look back on how God sees me, focusing on grace and forgiveness, and got me a recovery Bible. <3

Mullet Death wrote:You poor girl, I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm not so good at offering comfort, or well, anything really, but keep holding on. Come back to chat soon, and get well.

Thank you! I'm certainly surviving through it...one small step at a time...

Sheenar wrote:Still praying for you, dear friend. You are loved. <3

Thank you, my friend. One moment at a time. ...As one care provider put it, "Every second is a new opportunity."

Okami wrote:Absolutely. What I failed to mention in my last post was this hospitalization was at a Christian mental hospital - so not only was their specialty mental health, but faith was part of the treatment plan if we chose for it to be...which I did. I loved the fact that spiritual growth was an every-other day class, rather than one sort of cast off to the side and all but forgotten once a week. The chaplain I've worked with has consistently reminded me to look back on how God sees me, focusing on grace and forgiveness, and got me a recovery Bible. <3

That's awesome! Wow, seriously. It's awesome that you had a chance to do that. Praise the Lord. I'm still praying for you.

ClaecElric4God wrote:That's awesome! Wow, seriously. It's awesome that you had a chance to do that. Praise the Lord. I'm still praying for you.

Praise the Lord, indeed! I got a lot of help there that hadn't been touched in my previous hospitalizations.

Oh! And...

Here's my first blog update since everything.

Quick update.

Yesterday I had my intake with my psychiatrist and today had my intake with my therapist. Both work with a Christian prospective.

My psychiatrist exceeded whatever my expectations were, if I had them. Our intake was 2.5 hours long, and he prayed with me and used Scripture throughout the time. It was obvious to me he studied my report from the hospital quite extensively. Together we worked through my history, family history, and my current symptoms, and by the end of the time I was given what I think are proper diagnoses. He also suspects issues of spiritual warfare are also at play and referred me to a local ministry. Oh, and he taught me how they go about diagnosis! That was super cool. (What can I say? I'm a nerd for that sort of stuff!)

My therapist and I only touched the basic sorts of stuff, and she later explained the first four sessions are assessment, so all the history will be covered in time. She worked a little with the reasons behind my hospitalization, talked a little about various stressors throughout my life, and discussed a little what I expect from treatment (DBT skills are a must!) Then we also got to talking about my misdiagnosis for all these years and why I finally feel I am rightly diagnosed and can finally get the proper treatment. Honestly, not too much for a first session, but I know she has my file from the hospital so I know she knows more than things I discussed today.

So in the end for both of them I feel like I'm in the right direction. My therapist reminded me this is going to take time. I'm trying to take it slow, as I can.

That sounds very promising!! I am excited for you!

One day at a time, friend. Any progress, however small, is still progress. Give yourself some grace.

You are loved. Continuing to pray for you!

I had an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist tonight. I was experiencing significant hallucinations and he wanted to determine their nature. After much discussion as to the root causes for these things he determined, "these are absolutely NOT psychotic" and after declaring them to be spiritual, he left the room to ask his secretary to pray.

Together we walked through my spiritual history, prayed (I confessed sin, we commanded evil to leave by Christ's name), utilized and I later took notes on Scripture...and after a three hour appointment(!!!!) those symptoms were gone. I realize for myself he was correct, as if they were biochemical they would have continued...but in our time he coached me on taking my authority in Christ (see Luke 10:19-20), which I've been struggling with for months...

I couldn't be more appreciative. I was so tormented and haunted by all that was happening....

And then we got into the more "clinical" so to speak stuff, where he upped one of my meds because my bloodwork showed it to be too low. So no wonder things felt like they were getting worse or at least NOT getting better (in general). And I'm truly prsying to see changes soon.

Man. I am blessed to have a psychiatrist who understands, and believes as I do in the sense of the spiritual realm and Christ's supremacy.

Your psychiatrist sounds amazing (and definitely is a keeper!) Praise God that you have him to help you through this process.

Sheenar wrote:That sounds very promising!! I am excited for you!

One day at a time, friend. Any progress, however small, is still progress. Give yourself some grace.

You are loved. Continuing to pray for you!

I didn't just skip over this, I promise.

Thank you for your kind words.
Some days are harder than others (as Sunday-Tuesday this week prove) but God's grace always prevails!

Sheenar wrote:Your psychiatrist sounds amazing (and definitely is a keeper!) Praise God that you have him to help you through this process.

Yes indeed! He has been an incredible wealth of information and mercy in the midst of everything.

That's awesome, Okami! I'm glad you have such an awesome psychiatrist.
I'm praying for you, and it's awesome to hear things are even a bit better for you. *hugs*

I'm glad you have such a wonderful psychiatrist, Okami~
Oh, and special round of applause for your lovely blog post (that I'm fashionably late in commenting on D:)


Still praying for you <3